


Blood in the Breeze.

by theweakestthing



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2015-01-23
Packaged: 2018-02-18 18:35:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2358080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweakestthing/pseuds/theweakestthing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Maybe the wolf is in love with the moon and each month it cries for a love it will never touch."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tsukiyama Shuu was the kind of man that always got what he wanted no matter what, he'd tear down a forest of men to reach his goal. He was a connoisseur of a variety of things, mostly the classical arts of literature and music, but most intensely with food. 

Being a ghoul made it relatively difficult for Tsukiyama to be much of a connoisseur, but the thrill of the chase was a large part of the fun. Finding someone that took his fancy and meticulously planning out the hunt and capture, he enjoyed it immensely. Took great pleasure from seeing the look of horror and betrayal fall over their faces, like an ancient Greek play. 

Tsukiyama loved drama, a man with a grand nature. He moved with such a finesse, expressions so energetic that he'd make you tired just watching him. He also loved gossip, being the one who knew something that other's did not thrilled him so. He was the cat that got the cream and couldn't stop licking himself, he wanted things that no one else had, wanted to taste things that no one else had. 

He was a monster by human definition, a menace and weirdo by ghoul definition, but still very much a ghoul. 

~~~

Despite his outward portrayal of himself, Kaneki Ken was a very bitter boy. Spending large expanses of time alone caused him to internalise himself, his feelings, opinions and emotions. The loneliness had rotted his core, but he was oblivious to it. 

The boy was desperate to please and not be a burden to anyone, a longing ground into him by harsh and difficult experiences. Watching his mother work herself to death for someone that didn't really deserve the effort, seeing someone who was supposed to care about him slowly turn sour toward him. 

He kept himself to himself, that way he wouldn't upset anyone, that way he would be a bother to no one. Few tried to penetrate his circle of friends and even fewer broke through, Hide Nagachika. Hide was one stubborn and persistent bastard, he stole his space next to Kaneki and anchored himself there. 

At eighteen, Kaneki's life seemed on track, he'd only recently started college, he had his best friend right by his side and a date. Kaneki had a date with a beautiful girl who shared the same interests as him, he could hardly believe his luck. 

~~~

Tsukiyama didn't know he'd been searching for something, longing, yearning for something so profound that even he, with his wide vocabulary, could not articulate it. Didn't know until he saw the red spear from only one eye across the arena, Kaneki Ken proved himself far more valuable than Tsukiyama had first thought. 

That intoxicating scent of the barriester first brought the boy onto his shopping list; Kaneki was already on his radar with the whole ward buzzing of the boy's escapade with one of those doves. The addition of Keneki's intelligence and impeccable taste were a delightful bonus, something to spice up his meal. 

Watching the small boy hold his own against Taro-chan, a despicable thing more than twice Kaneki's size, was quite the entertainment. Seeing him put a lesson only learnt in text into practice was thrilling, but everything has an end and Kankei's was on the horizon or so Tsukiyama had planned. 

When the boy raised his head to reveal his two toned nature, Tsukiyama could no longer bear the thought of sharing Kaneki with anyone. Such a rarity would be lost on these people, they would not understand the subtleties of a taste as complex as the boy before them. He swiftly drew their attention away from Kaneki and gave a feeble apology, not that it mattered. He would not let Kaneki stray too far from his plate. 

~~~

Kankei felt true horror for the first time in his life, suffice to say that the date did not go as planned. The feeling of teeth sinking into his flesh was surreal, he didn't believe it was really happening. She ripped, tore and skewered him, her terrifying tendrils speared him, Kaneki quickly lost hope. Fate or something worse saved his life that night, dropping the fractured parts of a structure straight through the manic woman before him. 

He dreamt of a warm welcoming embrace, the pressure of heat enveloping him. 

The first thing he noticed was his change in taste, everything tasted terrible. All the food he had once loved now tasted like raw sewage, it was disheartening and disturbing. He couldn't eat anything and it was starting to ruin him. 

Kaneki happened upon a broadcast and then he knew, he didn't want to admit it to himself but he knew. The snapped blade of a steak knife was further confirmation. The way just standing on a crossroads with people passing him by had his mouth watering more than he could handle, the scent of human flesh was so tantalising. When he saw his reflection, the sight that confronted him cemented the truth within Kaneki, but he still denied it. 

He denied it right up until he swallowed, Touka forced the flesh down his throat. He was sated and he could no longer deny the fact that he was a ghoul. 

~~~

The boy's connections worked against him, but really who could blame Tuskiyama for not being able to wait? He knew he'd been too hasty, knew he had miscalculated Kaneki's resilience. Tsukiyama admired the other's resourcefulness, had underestimated Kaneki again. And Kaneki had underestimated him again.

Tsukiyama ate himself, it reminded him of the ouroboros. Philosophy swirled around his mind, he felt oh so cultured. He sat in a dark corner sating and healing himself. Tsukiyama thought of the trap door spider, lying in wait for its prey to come to him. 

Although, Kaneki would definitely not come to him. Tsukiyama knew this, but like the trap door spider he would wait until the time was right. 

~~~

Kaneki found a place where there was a space for him, where he could learn what it meant to be a ghoul. He wanted to be of help to everyone there, wanted to repay them for their kindness. The people of Anteiku had saved his life, saved him from himself and saved his friend too. It was a debt he knew he could not repay, but he would try. 

He met a number of people there, some would become his closest comrades, some would tinker in the shadows and some he would never truly know. 

Touka who berated him and seemed ambivalent toward him, would come to his aid like a guardian angel. Yomo became something like an older brother to him, taught him how to fight, how to defend himself. Uta appeared indifferent but stable, someone who would arrive when he was most needed. Hinami took the place of little sister, someone to protect, someone to teach, someone who brought a little light into his life. Nishiki had sharp edges and a sharp mind, he would be there in the time of need. The manager stood over him feeding him wisdom and advice, he became a father figure watching over his children with a stern but forgiving eye. 

~~~

Tsukiyama would definitely never allow anyone else to have _his_ Kaneki, hearing that the boy had been stolen had enraged him. A spark of an idea came to him in his moment of darkness, joining the inevitable rescue party may just put him on good footing with Kaneki. He smirked to himself, knowing that they would have no choice but to rely on his aid. The expedition would prove most interesting. 

~~~

The rattling never died down, not even after the insect was no longer in his ear canal. Kaneki's experiences thus far had taught him that the strong always win, they crush the weak under foot. 

His fingers and toes fell from him as he recited basic calculations, numbers reeled through his mind as his nerves prickled with pain. It was so overwhelming he could hardly feel anything. 

Kaneki realised he'd been weak his entire life, never taking charge of anything. All he wanted to do was protect his friends and as he was then he was incapable of doing so, but he'd change that. He would become the strong by consuming others. 

He accepted his ghoul side, or so he told himself, in order to save himself and those around him. Kaneki would no longer be the one that needed saving, but become the one that saves others. 

~~~

The sight before Tsukiyama was quite the sight to behold, a phoenix borne anew from the flames of despair. Kaneki stood on his own two feet draped in confidence and strength, Tsukiyama's mouth watered. 

Although Kaneki's words of warning worked against him somewhat, they sent a shiver down Tsukiyama's spine. The boy had plumed white and with it he'd become a much more difficult prey, but nothing worth doing was easy and nothing easy was worth doing. 

He would stick by Kaneki's side and slowly gain the boy's trust, he'd bide his time as trust was something earned and not taken. It would definitely prove to be an interesting place to be, he was sure that this new Kaneki would show him wondrous sights. 

~~~

Ruthless teeth bared by pulled up rotten lips, Kaneki hated the taste, it drove him mad and the rattling echoed from his memories. He'd solider through though, he would do whatever he could to protect the people he cared about. He had a sword that he couldn't trust and a shield he could rest everything upon, people relied on and that depended on him. Kankei had to eat in order to become stronger in order to protect his friends. 

Only one shadow fell over him down in that dark place, the disgusting twist of a man wore a solid flat mask with an empty expression. Kaneki swallowed loudly, the warm blood ran down his throat. 

"To live is to devour others," he heard himself say as if to explain himself, as if he'd ever need to explain this sort of thing to the man before him. 

"That's a very literally translation of our existence Kaneki-kun," Tsukiyama said simply with that exquisite voice of his. It was elaborate, fanciful and downright annoying, Kaneki held back his laughter. 

"I think it's how everything continues to live," he said before licking the bone in his hands dry. 

"How poetic," Tsukiyama considered, "I suppose you're right," he hummed in agreement, he watched Kaneki discard the bone upon the ever mounting pile. 

Tsukiyama watched Kaneki fowl his flesh for the sake of strength, it thrilled him but also left a bad taste in his mouth. 

Something quivered inside him at the twitch of Kaneki's neck, that twitch had continued to bother Tsukiyama with no real cause. He knew that it was yet another new habit that the other had picked up from his time with that brute, but why did it ruffle him so? 

Tsukiyama chalked it up to having someone else leave their mark upon his prey, but there was a deeper quaking within him. Things he thought he'd drowned rose to the surface, they stared up at him from beneath the water. Kaneki stuck his finger in his ear, a deep frown spread across Tsukiyama's face at the sight. 

"Is something bothering you Kaneki-kun?" He tilted his head with real concern, which irked him.

"No," the boy said simply, the sound was an echo from the past, sweet and innocent. Tsukiyama both loved and hated it in equal measure.


	2. Chapter 2

The handkerchief that Tsukiyama had in his inside breast pocket was a heavy weight on his mind. He felt like some kind of junkie, but the smell of Kaneki's blood was so intoxicating that he couldn't have cared less. 

At first it was a tantalising appetiser for the main course, it made his mouth water with anticipation. It slowly turned into something else, a lead like reminder held close to his heart. His fingers constantly twitched with the need to at least hold it. 

When Tsukiyama was at his most alone, in the complete darkness of the night, he may have admited to only himself that it might have been a sentimental thing. 

~~~

Kaneki's hand delved into the hot sticky mess, all he thought about was being strong. Numbers reeled off in his mind as bone twisted and snapped. He brought the severed arm to his mouth and tore the flesh away from the bone with his teeth, the overwhelming stench made his stomach churn. 

Filthy wretched ghouls, their bones littered the floor of the second level basement, he hadn't yet figured out what to do with them and wasn't about to turn to anyone else with this macabre issue. Kaneki gorged himself on the tattered bodies, feeling himself grow stronger with each cleaned cadaver. However, this strength came with a heavy price; his new transforming kagune was hard to control, he could feel himself shifting closer to the edge of the cliff of insanity each time he let it loose. 

He spent his nights eating other ghouls and sparing with Tsukiyama all in the effort to gain more strength, but it was still not enough. 

"Rome was not built in a day Kaneki-kun," Tsukiyama said between pants, hands braced on his knees as he tried to catch his breath whilst a deep tear in his shoulder and the cuts in his side slowly began to heal. Kaneki stood up straight and smacked the side of his head, he'd almost forgotten that Tsukiyama took far longer to regenerate than he did. 

"Let's take a break," Kaneki's voice was stern and most definitely not a suggestion. 

"You mean to continue?" Tsukiyama raised a brow, chest still heaving. 

"Is that a problem?" Kaneki tilted his head, his tone left no room for negotiation. 

"Of course not," Tsukiyama smiled, Kaneki didn't miss the pained twitch of his mouth. 

~~~

"Does this please you?" Kaneki said right out of nowhere, Tsukiyama wasn't quite sure that he'd even heard the other. They sat side by side in the first level basement that served as their sparing room, sweat rolled off their bodies in waves.

"I don't quite get your meaning Kaneki-kun," Tuskiyama twisted his head to get a better view at the other's contemplative face. 

"Do you get a kick out of not getting what you want," Kaneki turned fully toward Tsukiyama so fast that the other had to quell the urge to scramble backward. "I'm sat inches away from you and yet you're sat there doing nothing about it, doesn't it pain you having what you want so close?" Kaneki's words were lightly dipped in darkness, giving off the slightest hint of his sinister intent. 

Tsukiyama was no fool, extremely dense yes, but not a complete idiot. And thus he knew that his continued lust for Kaneki's flesh would not go unnoticed by the boy, but that didn't mean he would just give up and go home. 

"What kind of unrefined monster do you take me for?" He said, pretending to be taken aback. "You know I've turned over a new leaf, I am your sword now Kaneki-kun," Tsukiyama gently placed his hand over his heart and Kaneki snapped one of his fingers. The sound was fucking deafening, it echoed around inside Tsukiyama's brain cutting through his consciousness. "I really wish you would stop doing that," he frowned both at Kaneki's action and himself for saying such a thing, as if it had anything to do with him at all. 

"Why?" Kaneki's soft yet sharp voice echoed the question he was asking himself.

"You're letting that vile man taint your mannerisms," Tsukiyama was yet again surprised by his runaway mouth. It showed in his eyes and in Kaneki's silent reaction. The boy reached his hand out toward Tsukiyama slowly and ruffled the older boy's hair with a soft smile, Tsukiyama's chest suddenly turned overwhelmingly warm. 

"Finally, the truth falls from your mouth and you look so surprised by it," Kaneki sounded amused, Tsukiyama felt much like a dog being praised by its master. 

"Is it such a shock that I would tell the truth?" The words came out wrong as Tsukiyama batted Kaneki's hand away, but it all just rubbed him the wrong way. 

"Such a spiteful child aren't you," Kaneki said almost giggling to himself, hands resting lifelessly in his lap. The pout on Tsukiyama's lips was so faint that Kaneki really had to fight himself from laughing at the other. 

"It just irritates me, the way you let the people that wanted to destroy you into your body," Tsukiyama's frame rattled as the words shuddered out of him, he couldn't stop his mouth from moving no matter how hard he tried. "They don't even deserve the fine grace of your kagune," he huffed eyes trained on the fractured ground, "let alone the pleasure of your fist." Tsukiyama ground his teeth together, willing the words to stop. 

Kaneki tilted his head, cracked a smile and cracked his finger.


	3. Chapter 3

Tsukiyama's teeth ached, he knew Kaneki needed him, could feel it in the marrow of his bones. It overruled all of his other instincts, made the mask slip a little in front of Kaneki's comrades. Honestly, he couldn't give a shit, everything that the others said started to sound more like a high pitched annoying ringing noise instead of actual words. 

He was more than ready to leave Banjou to die, he was more than ready to slice down anyone in his way. His heart pounded and rushed his veins and arteries with adrenaline, his entire body throbbed with anxiety. Tsukiyama stood there hesitating for a few moments, just as he was about to do something, he wasn't sure what, a noise came from up ahead. 

Suddenly, Tsukiyama was calm, his heart became light, he felt lifted of all his troubles. Kaneki stood in front of him and all was right with the world. He had to fight himself not to fall into a fit of laughter as Kaneki's arm went straight through Banjou, such a shame that he didn't die. 

~~~

" Sometimes I feel like I'm rotting inside," Kaneki said as he laid on his back down in the basement with Tsukiyama sat propped up against the wall. 

"You're rotting yourself by eating others who are foul," Tsukiyama said as he sweated on the cement, Kaneki smiled faintly with his eyes on the ceiling. 

"Don't you think it's natural to want to be strong, to want to protect those things that you value the most?" Kaneki rolled his head in Tsukiyama's general direction, he laid his arm behind his head causing him to arch his back slightly. 

"I suppose that I have to agree," Tsukiyama frowned, the slight movement having caught his eye.

"What happened to the ghoul that just takes what they want?" Kaneki sat up and arched a knowing brow toward the other. 

"I don't kno-" Tsukiyama's words abruptly stopped and was replaced by stunned silence, Kaneki had stepped over to him in that short time and had dropped into his lap. 

"Do you even know what you want, hmm?" Kaneki hummed voice drenched in intrigue, he traced his finger along the side of Tsukiyama's jaw. 

To Tsukiyama it felt like Kaneki's touch was gently coaxing his mouth open and he knew that it would speak treacherous words, his jaw muscles tightened harder than he needed them to. He felt the words crawl up from his stomach, bubble up from his throat. They would leave him open, leave him exposed. He thought about how funny it was to be betrayed by oneself, how strange the thought of that really is. 

He remembered the sight of Kaneki losing his mind, the boy torn in half by his need for power and his true self, the self that Tsukiyama could hardly see anymore. He realised that being torn up about something as he was came close to insanity, just like it did with Kaneki. He felt like laughing, he felt like crying. The boy's fingers trailed under his jaw, thumb tipping up his chin and the other fingers stroking his Adam's apple. 

"Usually, I am dying for you to close your mouth every time you open it," Kaneki whispered lowly into Tsukiyama's ear, he felt the other swallow under his fingers, "but right now, I'd love to hear what you have to say," it sounded more like a soft and delicate sigh than actual speech to Tsukiyama, it made him internally shudder. 

"I don't know what you expect to hear, Kaneki-kun," Tsukiyama said, his mouth twitched as he tried and failed to hold a convincing smile. 

"I like hearing the truth, or whatever comes close to it from your mouth," Kaneki leant back smiling with his eyes scanning Tsukiyama's strained face. "It's funny isn't it, I can't even place you and the truth anywhere near each other," the boy giggled light, it sounded like the snapping of dry twigs to Tsukiyama's ears. 

"I just want you to stay the way you are," they weren't the right words, but Tsukiyama wasn't entirely sure that he knew what the right words were. "I'm not the sharing type," he tried again. 

"Tsk, come on Tsukiyama-san," Kaneki tutted as he ran his fingers through the other's hair, "you can do better than that," his voice turns harsh as he yanked Tsukiyama's head back. 

"I'm not going to let anyone else have you," Tsukiyama growled, his top lip curled back over his teeth and dug his finger into the concrete, wincing as he broke his a few nails off. 

"Close," Kaneki hummed pleasantly, it ruffled Tsukiyama's feathers. Tsukiyama pressed his lips tightly together, feeling like he had already shared more than enough. Kaneki watched the muscles in Tsukiyama's jaw as the man swallowed and frowned slightly. "I guess I'll just have to make you talk then," Kaneki shrugged with a slight edge of frustration. 

Kaneki surged forward, fingers digging into Tsukiyama's shoulders. He pulled and creased the other's shirt, his mouth traced curve of Tsukiyama's ear lobe lightly causing the other to shiver faintly. Kaneki stayed like that, barely touching the other and breathing on the other's skin. It was the purest form of torture that Tsukiyama had ever endured and he felt kind of shameful thinking that in Kaneki's presence, he was torn between two extremes and didn't know which won out until the dust had settled. 

Tsukiyama found that he was holding himself above Kaneki, caging the other's wrists with one hand. Found that his lips were pressed firmly against Kaneki's own, it felt like he was filling up with something made of light. When he knew what he was doing he couldn't bear the thought of stopping, couldn't bear the thought of sinking his teeth into the other's soft pale flesh. He whined keenly from the back of his throat mostly at the sickly sweet taste of Kaneki but also at what he had become. 

A few short months ago, he would have given anything to have an opportunity like that, he would have jumped at the chance to tear the flesh away from the boy now below him. And here he was feeling nothing but strong and forceful emotions he had never felt before, a very different kind of desire, a different kind of urge to protect, a whole new white light of adoration was bursting from him. These emotions where too much for him, he felt as though they would tear him apart at any given moment. 

Tsukiyama felt broken and weak with his lips on Kaneki's, he sat up and pulled the boy along with him arms curling under Kaneki's armpits to pulled himself flush against the other. He began to trail kisses around Kaneki's face after breaking apart for air, Kaneki began to chuckle. 

"This isn't quite what I expected," Kaneki leaned back and patted down Tsukiyama's hair, "it wasn't that bad was it?" Kaneki tilted his head puppy like. 

"I'm fine excluding my pride," Tsukiyama mumbled under his breath.


	4. Chapter 4

Tsukiyama hated the taste of it, bittersweet in his mouth. For once he was glad that he wasn't allowed to live with the rest of them, he would have been driving himself up the wall from the scent in the air. He wasn't remotely prepared for this, all he could think about was ripping his skin off with the intensity of which it itched. This adoration that flowed through his veins was something brand new, something he had no experience with at all. The truth of the matter was that Tsukiyama Shuu had no idea what love really was and with it coursing through him he was terrified. He had no idea who he was at that moment. 

The man he thought he was would have taken the ample chances that Kaneki had given him and splayed the boy over his dinner table by now, but the man he was sat in his study with his stomach lurching at the thought of it. The only urge he had then was to protect Kaneki's life. He pulled the handkerchief from his inside pocket, examined it holding it flat on his palm. Suddenly he realised that maybe he was falling all along, falling slowly but when he hit the ground it was with terminal velocity. The force of it rattled through his body as though it were shattering every bone he had in him. 

His fingers curled over the hard fabric in his palm, the meaning of it to him had changed so drastically in such a short time. Tsukiyama felt a deep kind of sickness and hatred at the memory of himself, how he was so eager to tear the boy limb from limb. At that time he couldn't even conjure up the remembered hunger at the thought of Kaneki becoming his. 

~~~

Although it was just about the most adorable thing he had ever seen, Kaneki was growing bored with Tsukiyama's pretend practice. The older was obviously pulling his punches, much to Kaneki's irritations. He sighed and kicked out the other's legs, he heard the loud snap of what must have been Tsukiyama's nose breaking on the concrete floor. 

"I am not made of glass, no matter how much you may want to believe that," he snarled bare feet slapping against the floor as he approached the man. Tsukiyama sat up, forced his nose straight and laughed dryly at himself. 

"I apologise, mon amour," he stood shakily, "I am very unused to caring about anything besides myself," honesty stuck on his tongue like a terrible infection. 

"Hmm, I suppose you're right," Kaneki mused, capturing his chin between his thumb and forefinger. "Fine, let's do something else," he relented, one night without practice would do no harm. 

Kaneki pulled Tsukiyama by the wrist up the stairs, out of the basement, down the corridor and into his own room. His fingers dug painfully without breaking the other's skin, he sat Tsukiyama down upon his bed and moved to his wardrobe. He had barely broken a sweat so a shower would just be a waste of time, he changed into sweat and a t-shirt knowing that the other's eyes were on him. 

"You like books don't you Tsukiyama-san," Kaneki smiled over his shoulder to find the other sitting awkwardly where he had been put, Tsukiyama nodded having lost the power of speech. The kind of power he visibly had over the man thrilled Kaneki, it made him want to mess with the other more. Kaneki pulled a random book from the pile on the floor beside his bed, climbed atop the bed and pulled Tukiyama up the bed until the other was leaning against the headrest. "Read to me," his voice was as soft as his eyes, but Tsukiyama knew an order when he heard one and took the book without any question. 

Tsukiyama turned the book over in his hand examining the cover and blurb, he had not read this book before and supposed it was one of those morbid stories by Kaneki's favourite author. He felt the other shift his weight down the bed, Kaneki laid his head upon Tsukiyama's lap and tapped the other's knee as a sign to begin. Tsukiyama swallowed the lump in his throat and began, curling the book carefully in an effort to protect the pristine spine. 

About a quarter of the way through the book Tsukiyama's eyes began to get heavy, he paused in his reading and rubbed his eye with the back of his hand. As he moved the book away from his face, he saw Kaneki's sleeping face and was caught by the sight of it. He gently placed the book down beside him and softly slid his hand into Kaneki's stark white hair. Tsukiyama had expected it to be coarse from the extent of trauma that the boy had been through, but it was so pleasantly soft that he had sighed at the touch. He stayed like that for a time, watching the slow rise and fall of the other's chest.

He carefully lifted Kaneki's head and placed it upon the pillow, he replaced the book on the pile making a mental note of the page he was on and removed his belt, tie and blazer before he laid back down beside the other. The bed was just big enough to comfortably accommodate the pair of them, an odd kind of anxiety crawled up from the pit of his stomach and set an unease in his chest. He didn't want to close his eyes lest the spell be broken, lest Kaneki disappear. He traced the back of his hand over the side of Kaneki's face, found himself smiling as the boy rose to lean into the touch. 

Kaneki's eyes flickered open as a slight smirk cracked across his face, he caught Tsukiyama's hand with his own and entwined their fingers. So many statements and variations of declarations stuck to the roof of Tsukiyama's mouth, there was so much he wanted to say that he could barely breathe around it. Kaneki sealed the other's lips with a kiss as he pulled the blanket from underneath them and then over them. 

"Go to sleep," Kaneki urged against Tsukiyama's lips, "I'll still be here when you wake up," he promised and with that Tsukiyama relaxed and let the night take him. 

~~~

Tsukiyama did not enjoy the hard suspicious stare that Banjou was sending him, but for the first time the smile he sent the other was genuine because it was morning and he was helping Hinami brew coffee in yesterday's clothes. 

He had spent a good while after waking with his eyes scrunched shut, struck with a thick and sickly kind of fear of what he might find upon opening them. The quiet and dry sound of Kaneki's laughter pried Tsukiyama's lids open, the white haired boy held his hand over his mouth as he abdominal muscles jumped and contracted under his skin. 

"See," Kaneki smiled, "I'm still here," he said before capturing the other's lips with a swift chaste kiss before climbing out of the bed. 

Kaneki moved to the wardrobe, took some clothes and took one look at Tsukiyama before announcing that if the other followed him into the shower he'd paint the walls with Tsukiyama's blood. The purple haired man did not follow him and instead found the sunny little girl, who happened to be the only other person, besides Kaneki, in the whole wide world that elicited a fond response from him. 

They brewed coffee and Tsukiyama helped her with her kanji whilst ignoring the burning glare from Banjou across the room. Not a thing could spoil his mood it seemed.


	5. Chapter 5

Tsukiyama had spent a good week trying to get Kaneki to go outside with him, the other seemed much more interested in chasing death to the finish line. The boy's intensity and continued naivety put Tsukiyama on edge, made him anxious in way a that he hadn't been for a very long time. 

So when he finally had Kaneki to himself, when Kaneki had finally relented and agreed to go out with Tsukiyama, he breathed a sigh of relief. He had many ideas and plans, even though he knew Kaneki loved books he decided not to take him to a book store for their first date, since that was where Kaneki himself had taken Rise. He also opted not to Kaneki to the theatre, only because he'd also have to buy Kaneki a suit and the last time he had the boy wear a suit he was trying to eat him. 

So instead Tuskiyama brought down a bunch of poetry books from his library and went through them looking for excerpts that he thought Kaneki would like, something bleak but with hope. He found quite a few, more than he really needed, so he cherry picked only the very best for his Kaneki. He thought of places to take Kaneki, but there weren't really any places that he could think of the other enjoying. 

"Kaneki-kun?" Tsukiyama called down the phone, voice uncharacteristically tainted with trepidation. Kaneki giggled lightly, a hollow echo from the old Kaneki that filled Tsukiyama's stomach with humming birds. 

"Yes, Tsukiyama-san?" Kaneki said with a smile on his voice. 

"Um, would you mind if we didn't go outside and instead I brought you over to mine?" Tsukiyama said awkwardly, readying himself for the rejection he knew was coming. 

"Sure," Kaneki said simply and Tsukiyama just stood there holding his phone with his mouth open like an idiot. And he supposed he was an idiot, an idiot that didn't realise he was falling in love, an idiot that didn't really know how to go about caring about someone, an idiot that was surprised and even excited when Kaneki let him be close to him. "Tsukiyama-san?" Kaneki called amusement evident in his tone. 

"Yes, I'm still here," he answered quickly, drenched in embarrassment, "er, I'll see you tomorrow Kaneki-kun," he fumbled with the phone before Kaneki could even say goodbye and dropped it to the floor as he hung up. 

~~~

Tsukiyama did not offer Kaneki dinner, instead he offered coffee and coffee alone as he took the other's coat to hang it on the rack by the door. Kaneki followed him to the kitchen and watched him brew the coffee silently, it was comforting and elating to have the boy's eyes upon him as he worked. As he handed the cup of coffee to Kaneki, Tsukiyama felt a little nervous, he really wanted the other to enjoy it since he'd brewed it especially for Kaneki, had tailored it to the other's tastes. 

"Hmm, this is really good Tsukiyama-san," Kaneki hummed appreciatively staring into the cup, the compliment made Tsukiyama's heart sing. 

He led Kaneki up to his library and sat beside him on the loveseat in front of the window, the moonlight cascaded through the tall single paned windows and caressed the outline of the boy's form. Tsukiyama wondered how he had never realised it, wondered how he could have ever wanted to eat Kaneki. How could he have ever wanted to hurt someone so perfect, soft outline, hard words and hard legs. A mouth that could destroy and bring him to life in less than one sentence, a mind so wondrous and beautiful that Tsukiyama could hardly stand to be in Kaneki's presence. 

"What?" Kaneki said dubiously raising a brow up at Tsukiyama. 

"I love you," the words tumbled out of him easily, more easily than he had ever thought those words would. Kaneki blinked at him. 

"I know," Kaneki said with a faraway voice, there was something bleak in his eyes. Tsukiyama tried not to be disappointed or feel any form of rejection, but he couldn't deny to himself that those faint words had wounded him a bit. 

"D-do you like poetry Kaneki-kun?" He changed the subject with a slightly wavering voice. 

"'I've never really read any," Kaneki stated. 

"Would you like me to you read you some, I've selected some that I thought you might enjoy," Tsukiyama gestured to the small round table beside him and Kaneki smiled bringing the light back to room. 

"Sure," he said softly and leaned his head against Tsukiyama's shoulder. "I love listening to your voice," he sighed and Tsukiyama thought of all the times that Kaneki had told him to shut his mouth. Tsukiyama switched on the lamp beside him and picked up one of the books, Kaneki noticed all the brightly coloured post-it notes sticking out of the book. Tsukiyama began softly, leaning his body into the weight of the other. This time Kaneki did not fall asleep, but instead watched Tsukiyama's eyes scan the page and jaw move as he read aloud. 

Tsukiyama only stopped once and that was when he felt a wetness against his shoulder, he lowered the book to his lap and craned his neck down to look at Kaneki. Tears were rolling down the boy's face, Tsukiyama placed the book down upon the table and turned toward Kaneki taking the other's face in his hands. He gently wiped the tears away with his thumbs and drew Kaneki into an embrace, he pressed a kiss softly into the crown of Kaneki's head. Kaneki slowly settled, breathing heavily against Tsukiyama's throat. 

"Don't stop loving me," Kaneki said quietly against Tsukiyama's pulse. "Don't you dare forget me," his voice wavered as he began to press feather light kisses along the other's neck. "Don't ever leave me," he breathed against Tsukiyama's jaw line and moved to straddle the other. "Don't you fucking betray me," he said staring straight into Tsukiyama's eyes and descended upon the other's lips before Tsukiyama could even think to answer. 

Tsukiyama was drawn into the soft strong press of the other's lips, his wound his arms around the boy's small frame and pulled the other flush against him. They sighed into each other's mouths and Tsukiyama felt high, felt like there was too much oxygen in the air. He laughed against Kaneki's lips, filling himself up with the warmth that came from the other's body. 

"I never thought it would be this easy," Tsukiyama said wistfully as he kissed Kaneki's temple. 

"It wasn't easy," Kaneki said incredulously, "you spent like six months or something trying to eat me," he stated over pronouncing the syllables with raised eyebrows. 

"I suppose," Tsukiyama pouted and Kaneki laughed at him before coming back with full force. Kaneki surged upon him, crashing against him like waves in a storm. Tsukiyama felt like he was drowning, he dug his fingers into Kaneki's back and the other groaned. Kaneki bent backward digging his feet into the loveseat and displaced their weight, they crashed to the floor and Kaneki quickly scrambled on top of Tsukiyama. He caged the other with his body, breathing heavily down upon Tsukiyama's face. Kaneki sat up after a moment, ass against the other's groin, and looked down at Tsukiyama with heavy eyes. 

"Do you want to make love to me, Tsukiyama-san?" Kaneki said huskily, fingers curling around the hem of his t-shirt. A blush stretched over the bridge of his nose and along both cheeks, he didn't wait for the answer before pulling his shirt over his head and discarded it somewhere out of the way. He leaned down and began to kiss Tsukiyama again, brought the other up with his mouth. Kaneki swiftly unbuttoned Tsukiyama's shirt with deft hands, revealing the pale skin that stretched over the strong muscles of Tsukiyama's chest and abdomen. He pushed the shirt down the other's shoulders and moved his hands to the front of Tsukiyama's pants, he smoothed his hand down along the fly and felt the hard press of Tsukiyama's erection against his palm. 

Tsukiyama moaned low and feral in his throat, he curled his fingers around Kaneki's hips. The boy undid his flies and pulled his erection from his underwear, he shuddered as the cold air swept over him. Kaneki wrapped his hand around Tsukiyama's erection and began to pump his hand slow and loose, Tsukiyama lulled his head back at the touch breaking their kiss. 

Tsukiyama suddenly got to his feet, holding Kaneki against him and locked their lips again. He kicked the bedroom door open and climbed upon Kaneki upon the bed. He shrugged his pants and underwear off before moving his hands to Kaneki's flies, he rubbed the heel of his palm against the small lump in the other's pants. Kaneki ached up into the touch, mewling against Tsukiyama's lips. He quickly peeled Kaneki's remaining clothes from the boy, exposing Kaneki to the cold air and his own hungry gaze. 

He realised how hungry he was, how he'd never been this hungry, how he'd never been that kind of hungry, he descended upon the boy. He slapped his hand against the bedside table, pulled open the draw with a loud clatter and removed the bottle of lube. Tsukiyama sat back with Kaneki's legs wrapped around his waist, the heavy and dark look that Kaneki sent him was all the consent that he needed. 

Tsukiyama pressed his fingers inside Kaneki, drawing soft and high alluring noises from the boy with his talented hands. Kaneki gripped the sheets in sweaty hands and twisted away from the touch, it was too much for him, the surge of new found pleasure was too much for him. Kaneki pushed the side of his face into the covers gasping and shuddering, Tsukiyama couldn't take it anymore, couldn't take the sight of the other anymore. 

Kaneki caught Tsukiyama's eyes as the latter was positioning himself at Kaneki's backside, he slowly pushed inside keeping eye contact all the while. Kaneki's breath hitched and he could only breathe in gasps until Tsukiyama's hips were pressed against Kaneki's backside, Tsukiyama shuddered when he came to a stop and held himself above the other. He rocked against Kaneki in slow languid movements, Kaneki felt like a small fishing boat caught in a storm of rolling waves. Tsukiyama took Kaneki's erection in his hand and snapped his wrist in time with his hips, neither of them lasted for very long. 

"Kaneki-kun," Tsukiyama sighed as he collapsed beside the boy upon the sheets. 

"Don't you think you should use my given name?" Kaneki murmured against the sheets. 

"Ken," Tsukiyama tried the name on his tongue, it sounded like a prayer. 

"Yes Shuu?" Kaneki smiled blissfully, skin shining in the darkness. Tsukiyama felt the need to burn that moment, that entire night even, into his memory to cherish forever.


	6. Chapter 6

It was impossible to get used to it, the sound of his given name upon those lips. It was so tantalising and arousing that Tsukiyama was unable to withstand the other's will, Kaneki bent him easily and Tuskiyama supposed that the boy always had on some level. The boy was like a siren and he the unwitting sailor drawn into sure doom. 

"How do you love me?" Kaneki asked quietly in the twilight of his room, Tsukiyama felt as though he was being tested and figured that lying was really not an option. 

"I adore you, my current existence revolves around you, I would do anything for you," he said trying to leave the weight of his feelings out of his words. 

"I don't think that's entirely healthy," Kaneki stated softly. 

"I don't feel entirely healthy, I feel swept up underneath you," Tsukiyama let his romantic side control his tongue, "I just can't keep away from you, it's like you have some great gravitational pull despite your size and I can't pull myself away," none of the words conveyed the enormity of his emotions and Tsukiyama sighed frustrated. 

"I don't know how to feel about that," Kaneki announced quieting Tsukiyama's mind, "I don't think that I like being responsible for you, not like that, I don't think that I like having that kind of control over you, it's a lot of responsibility," he said slowly, fingers coiled in purple locks. 

"You don't have to take responsibility for me Kaneki-kun," Tsukiyama reassured, "I am a grown man." Kaneki frowned.

"Ken," he stated, "and I have to take responsibility for your love, hold it within myself, I don't quite know if I can stand it," he mused. 

"I don't know what you want me to say," Tsukiyama said unsure of where to tread. 

"It wouldn't matter anyways, I doubt that anything could really change your nature," Kaneki said as he ran the tips of his fingers along the other's cheek bone. 

"Does the way I love you displease you somehow," Tsukiyama's brows came together.

"N-no, it's just, uh," Kaneki stammered holding Tsukiyama's face gently, "it's overwhelming," he went lightly red and Tsukiyama suddenly felt his heart jumping around in his chest. "I-I just-" Tsukiyama quieted the boy with his mouth and held himself flush to the other, Kaneki sighed against Tsukiyama's lips. "Fill me up, with all your love," Kaneki commanded and Tsukiyama obliged. 

~~~

There was a quiet hollow place deep in Kaneki's centre, it gnaws away at him silently and growls loudly at him when he's alone in the dark. His overwhelming urge was to run away from the emotions he had for Tsukiyama, wanted to deny them even to himself. He didn't feel as though he deserved the other's total adoration, didn't feel as though he could love anyone if he couldn't love himself. 

Then again, he didn't think that Tsukiyama deserved anyone's love, the horrible grotesque thing that he was. Kaneki spent most of the time wanting to slam the other into the dirt, wanting to obliterate the man. 

However, he couldn't deny himself Tsukiyama's love, couldn't pull away from the blinding light of it. And he especially did not want to have that love showered on anyone else, the thought of it made his lip pull back over his teeth. He was being selfish, more selfish than he ever had been. He wanted to store and hide Tsukiyama's love away from the world where no one else could see it, he wanted to keep Tsukiyama from the world. 

Kaneki didn't dare think about the future, didn't dare hope for something good to blossom between them. It would happen anyways, every now and then he would catch himself thinking wistful things and would have to stamp out the thought instantly. 

~~~

Tsukiyama would spend every single one of his hours thinking of Kaneki, it did not bother him anymore. It was just simply a fact of love. He thought himself the luckiest being alive, being allowed to love the one he wanted to. 

Kaneki bit down, sinking his teeth into Tsukiyama's shoulder as a way to keep himself quiet. He thought it awfully unfair that the horrible jagged wound would heal, wanted to leave his mark physically upon the other. The cold of the concrete wall seeped into his back, he coiled his legs around Tsukiyama's waist as the man rolled his hips up into him. 

Tsukiyama was never close enough, Kaneki could not feel enough of the other's skin. He could never be as close to the man as he wanted to be, would never be able to map the man's mind as he wished. They would never come to know each other as Kaneki would like and it all irritated him to no end.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aahhh, this is my most popular fic so far and boy am I so happy that you guys like it. All the kudos, comments and bookmarks are very much appreciated. Thank you very much and I hope you continue to enjoy my work.

Kaneki had information, but nowhere near enough. It was the same old tired cycle. Get information which only leads to more questions, the amount of unanswered questions he had was staggering and enraging. At this point he wasn't sure where to turn, he was surprised that his head wasn't fucking spinning from all the turning he'd done. He couldn't stand the way people treated him like a child, the way they spoke to irked him. 

At this point he wasn't really sure who his friends were anymore, at this point he wasn't sure that he deserved friends anymore. Was sure that he did not deserve the unwavering loyalty that some showed him, what had he ever succeeded in doing that inspired these people? 

Sometimes these thoughts suffocated him, he felt like he was drowning. And at these times that voice would reach his ears and say something either wholly irritating or sickeningly romantic, it was something so small but it felt like the world to him. It was like he was privy to a hidden world when he was alone with Tsukiyama, the man had revealed a heart that he himself did not know he had. It made Kaneki kinda giddy sometimes. 

"Do you have any morals Shuu?" Kaneki looked over the top of his book at Tsukiyama sipping coffee. "A conscience?" 

"Everyone has their own set of morals and a conscience no matter how quiet," Tsukiyama smiled easily. 

"I suppose you're right," Kaneki admitted, he closed his book and set it aside on the table. 

"Is something troubling you, Ken?" Tsukiyama folded his hands over each other and leaned his chin atop them, Kaneki shook his head. 

It was a blatant lie and both of them knew but neither would acknowledge it, the problem was that there were too many things wrong and Tsukiyama dared not ruin the light and easy mood. Tsukiyama was something of a miracle to Kaneki, how he could smile so easily when everything was going to shit around him. Maybe they had both completely lost it. 

~~~

Tsukiyama found himself worrying, almost constantly, about Kaneki. What the boy was doing when they were apart, how he was feeling, Kaneki's wellbeing weighed heavily on Tsukiyama's conscience. The man thought it something funny, that he would choose now to listen to his conscience. 

The sun was bearing down upon them as they strolled through a park, Tsukiyama had always been pretty interested in insects much to Kaneki's surprise. 

"I thought dirty things would be, that you would find them unpleasant," Kaneki mumbled. Tsukiyama had crouched down to capture something that had caught his eye. 

"It's something I've always liked," Tsukiyama shrugged standing up, "look at this, it's pretty at least I think so," he held out his hands and opened them before Kaneki. Kaneki's jaw tightened and he swallowed thickly, Tsukiyama held out a centipede. 

"I don't like centipedes at all," Kaneki curled his lip snarling at the thing wriggling in Tsukiyama's hands. 

"Would you prefer flowers, Ken?" The name still felt strange on his tongue and he often struggled around it. 

"Perhaps," Kaneki said thinking it over, "would you put that down?" he grumbled. 

"Of course love," Tsukiyama gently placed the insect back where he found it, using more care than Kaneki had ever seen him use with anything apart from himself. 

"I thought flowers would be more of your thing," Kaneki announced as they continued along the path. 

"People are not as they seem," Tsukiyama said as though he had unearthed a grand philosophical truth.

"Yes, I think anyone above the age of fifteen is aware of that," Kaneki bit and Tsukiyama laughed heartily startling the boy. 

"You seem rather moody today," Tsukiyama smiled softly down at Kaneki.

"Maybe it's you?" Kaneki smiled viscously. 

"I don't think so," Tsukiyama said simply, "I know that I'm the one that puts smiles on your face," he smiles in that way that makes Kaneki want to rip his head off. 

"I'm not holding back when we spar next," Kaneki smiled sweetly.

"You never do," Tsukiyama said grinning. 

~~~

The way that Kaneki would stutter breathes above Tsukiyama was mesmerising, he couldn't get used to it. Couldn't get used to the way Kaneki would dig black nails into his shoulders. Couldn't get used to the way Kaneki kissed like a starved animal. Couldn't get used to the raw guttural sound of Kaneki's moans. Couldn't get used to the way Kaneki's eye would turn before he came. Tsukiyama tried to gather up all these things and file them away, he wanted to hold them within himself for forever. 

"Shuu," the quiet sleepy sound of Kaneki's tired voice curled in the air and dragged Tsukiyama to the other's side, he hoped to never leave it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, I know I posted a chapter the other day, but I was not happy with it at all, it was dumb and didn't make any sense and I owe it myself, the characters and you guys to do it justice. So I'm completely re-doing the eighth chapter since I recently finished things that I was busy with. Sorry for the mess around.


	8. Chapter 8

"Shuu," Kaneki stammered raspy tangling his fingers in Tsukiyama's hair as the other kissed and nipped at Kaneki's neck, "I-I've got something to tell you, jeez knock it off," he kicked Tsukiyama off the bed. 

"Ah, I apologise, Ken, I got quite carried away," Tsukiyama smiled sheepishly looking up over the bed. Kaneki sighed, rubbing his brow as he rose sitting up. He watched the hopeful eyes of Tsukiyama as they shone with adoration. 

"Never mind," Kaneki groaned looking off to the side and fiddling with his ear, which irked Tsukiyama. 

"There's something amiss Ken, please," Tsukiyama climbed back up on the bed and sat on the edge, "surely you know that you can tell me anything," he implored. Kaneki, as he was, was always so burdened with the weight of his choices and the crippling need to protect. 

Kaneki opened his arms to let Tsukiyama climb into his lap again, he'd rather forget his troubles than face them here in this sacred place. This was a place where nothing could penetrate his happiness, he wouldn't allow it and so he shut himself from his own woes. 

~~~

Tsukiyama began to notice Kaneki growing distant, with every passing day the space between them grew wider. And quite frankly it felt like being torn apart, it felt like having your organs ripped out, slowly. All he could do was watch. Every mention of it to Kaneki was met with either nothing or bitterness. How was he supposed to heal Keneki if the other would never let him near enough to see what was wrong. 

He watched the slow rise and fall of Kaneki's small chest that night, breath streaming past parted chapped lips. Tsukiyama looked down with a furrowed brow, the boy was curled in his lap and clinging to him. It was a stark difference to the Kaneki he knew when awake, this boy was only soft, gentle and obviously yearning for something he wished not to speak of. It was agony, knowing that Kaneki was going through something and for the first time in a while Tsukiyama was not a part of. 

Kaneki yawned and stretched like a kitten in Tsukiyama's lap, Tsukiyama had not slept much at all. There was a small comfort in the way that Kaneki felt so at ease with him to sleep so well, it was small but Tsukiyama would take it none the less. 

"You look terrible," Kaneki said sounding slightly shocked. 

"Hm, I couldn't seem to sleep mon cher," Tsukiyama murmured. 

"And why is that?" Kaneki said softly resting his head against Tsukiyama's chest. 

"I was thinking about the future," Tsukiyama said. 

"You mean worrying about it," Kaneki raised his head a little. 

"Semantics my dear," Tsukiyama smiled weakly stroking Kaneki's cheek with his knuckles. 

"Shuu," Kaneki said taking Tsukiyama's face in both hands, "you don't have to worry about those things, I'll always be here," he said before he shifted off of the bed, he grabbed some clothes and left the room. 

"Lair," Tsukiyama said to himself wearing a bitter smile. 

~~~

Kaneki finally built up the nerve to see the manager again, after days of putting it off and hiding away against Tuskiyama's body. What he heard was startling and awoke a part of himself that he hadn't been in touch with for quite some time, it was coupled with his overwhelming need to protect.

Anteiku had been the only place where he had belonged for a time, it had been home for a time. Kaneki would always be thankful for that, endlessly grateful for the memories that he would always cherish. The information that the manager told him was all the information that Kaneki needed in order to finally make his mind up. If this place was going to fall then Kaneki was going to fight for it alongisde the rest of them, this was where he belonged after all. 

~~~

And then Kaneki was gone. 

Gone, vanished, like a puff of smoke, poof. 

Tsukiyama flew into a blind panic, if someone had managed to actually defeat his strong and fierce Kaneki and had eaten him then they had a whole world of suffering ahead of them. He tried his hardest to follow the scent, it would come and go and he would have to stop just to hold back the tear. It was not the time for tears, not when his dear Kaneki could possibly be in danger. 

It took hours for him to find that rooftop, he quickly grasped the gravity of the situation for the noise in the streets below and Kaneki's and Nishiki's conversation. There was never anything he could do to stop Kankei, he knew that even before he tried. What else was he supposed to do? 

"For dear life, Kaneki would you please not go," Tsukiyama's last desperate words said to his beloved Kaneki, they portrayed the enormous amount of love he left for the other without saying it explicitly. He didn't know if he could have, didn't have the courage to say those things there and he hated himself for it. His words were selfish, but what else did anyone expect of him really. He had no idea what he would do without the other, he'd be completely lost without Kaneki, but if Kaneki was set on doing something in the name of someone else Tsukiyama had found that he did not possess the right tools to change the other's mind. 

Watching the rise and fall of that beautiful boy, if was far more than Tsukiyama deserved. Watching them steal his sweat dear boy and twist and turn Kaneki into something of their own design was all the suffering that Tsukiyama knew he deserved, but it far more than his heart could handle. 

They both lost their minds separately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, I think this one does the story more justice than the thing I had up earlier.   
> Thank all of you guys for the support, kudos and comments. See ya on the next one!!


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